You may not be the person you think you are

We all have a story of our life in our heads that informs who we think we are and what we think we are capable of. This story is based on experiences in our lives — successes, failures, traumas, and other people’s expectations. Often we will construct our story based only on certain experiences in our lives — those that provide confirmation of what we believe ourselves to be. There may be other experiences that contradict this view of ourselves, but we choose to focus on the ones that confirm our view. Someone who doesn’t have a high opinion of themselves may ignore all of the achievements they have attained and positive experiences they have had. Instead, a man may focus on when he was bullied in middle school or the emotional abuse he suffered from a parent or the fact that he got fired from a job.

We all have a picture in our head of who we are and what we are capable of. What if that picture is wrong? What if your story of yourself is missing key facts and evidence? What if you looked for times when you did things (or things happened or people said things to you) that run contrary to your story? What about that person with low self-esteem? What about when he got first place in the science fair in fifth grade or when his high school English teacher told him that she expected great things from him? What about all of the good grades he got in college or the fact that his wife loves him and thinks the world of him? Our true life stories are usually much less black and white and show us as people who do good and bad and are capable of much. But more times than not, people do not allow their stories to reflect the rich, complicated, and sometimes contradictory reality.

From the time I was 13, I lived a certain story. Meredith wasn’t a very good person. She often made her parents miserable. She was argumentative and always dissatisfied with her life. Meredith wasn’t particularly good at anything. She did well in school, but it was because she worked hard, not because she was smart. She could write pretty well, but not well enough to really do anything with it. Since she didn’t think much of her own thoughts and ideas, Meredith never trusted herself. She was afraid to speak up in class (even when she knew the answer to a question) and, in college, she actively avoided small seminar classes where she knew she would have to talk. When she had to defend her thesis in college, she nearly had a panic attack in front of her professors and instead of talking about her thesis, she had to prepare a script to read. She never believed that any of her ideas or insights were worth much. Meredith never felt like she fit anywhere. She had friends, but, because she didn’t think she had much to offer, she was uncomfortable among crowds and was scared of meeting new people. As a result, she avoided parties and didn’t join any groups in college.

And this was the story I told of my life for a long time. When something happened that contradicted the story, I would just think it was a fluke or that I had an easy professor or that the person who thought I was great was totally screwed up. The story poisoned every aspect of my life. I spent a great deal of college (and a few years afterwards) clinically depressed and self-destructive. I missed out on so many great experiences and classes in college because of fear. It was so stupid.

I had loved writing when I was younger, but by high school, I had pretty much given up any hope of becoming a professional writer. Throughout college, I wrote for myself, but was terrified to submit anything for the newspapers or literary magazines on-campus. When I was very young, I’d loved performing. I was in every play in elementary school — sometimes in the starring role. I don’t know what happened, but by middle school, I was pathologically afraid not only of performing, but of even talking in class. When I’d have to give a presentation in college, I would sweat, shake and turn red. I would obsess over it for weeks prior to the class and would then beat myself up about it for weeks afterwards. Even when I had to do presentations for my job search last year, I’d read scripts rather than give “real talks.” If I didn’t have a script in front of me, I thought I would become so panic striken that I’d forget everything I was going to say.

All of this began changing for me when I started my blog. Well, maybe it was when I met my husband and he convinced me that I wasn’t as horrible as I thought I was. He wasn’t tied to me by blood or obligation and yet he stayed with me. Why? It was his unconditional love and encouragement that gave me the courage to start my blog. Blogging seemed safe since the worst that could happen was that no one would read it. As my audience grew, I started to wonder why people bothered to read me. And when Rachel Singer Gordon contacted me and asked me if I’d like to write a book for Information Today, I started to think that maybe I was a good writer afterall. But the whole speaking thing scared me for a long time. Really, it scared me until yesterday. Even when I gave that 15 minute CyberTour at Computers in Libraries, I was shaky and sweaty and terrified. And the night before I gave my talk at the Vermont Library Association Conference, I couldn’t sleep and kept obsessing over the talk. But when it came time to give the talk yesterday, I didn’t choke. I didn’t even feel nervous. It was kind of surreal how the words and ideas just flowed out of me like they never had before. And when I couldn’t think of a word, I laughed about it and the audience laughed with me. It was such a terrific experience. People came up to me afterwards with ideas for using social software in their library; ideas that came from my talk. I finally realized that I can do this. And I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not going to let fear run my life and keep me from good things. It feels like a giant weight has been lifted off me.

This coming Tuesday I turn 29. Gosh, five years ago, that would have freaked me out. One year until you’re 30! Look at all you haven’t accomplished! Maybe it’s just a girl thing, but I wanted to be at a certain place in my life by the time I was 30. I even made a list when I was a kid of things I wanted to have done by the time I’d turned 30 (and yes, publishing a book was one of them!). I think back to my life just five years ago and how at loose ends I felt. I assumed that, because I wasn’t happy with my boyfriend or my job, I was the sort of person who was always going to be dissatisfied with her life. It never even occurred to me that I might feel the way I did because I had a bad boyfriend and a bad job. And now I have a great job, a great husband and am in a profession that I feel so passionately about. I’m writing, which I love, and speaking, which I’m completely shocked that I enjoy. It’s a bizarre feeling to be happy with my life and comfortable in my own skin, but it’s definitely something I can get used to. 29? 30? 40? Bring it on!

I know a lot of people who are crippled by fear and self-doubt like I was. And this is why I am writing such a personal post. I want to tell those people to consider that the stories that constrain their lives may just not be true. They may be capable of so much more than they let themselves believe. They may have talents that they never share with the world because they think they’re not talented. They may have good ideas or insights that they never share because they don’t have any confidence in themselves. People allow themselves to stay in jobs they hate or in relationships that suck beacuse they don’t think they deserve better or because they don’t think there’s anything better out there. Or maybe it’s because the unfamiliar is scary. I quit social work and went to library school without every having worked in a library, but with a gut feeling that this was the right thing for me. And that was terrifying. If I was a permanently dissatisfied person, like I thought I was, I wouldn’t like librarianship anymore than I liked social work. But I took that risk and it paid off. What are you afraid of?

Consider that the negative stories you tell about yourself are wrong. Maybe you can do the things you don’t think you can do. Maybe you have talents and abilities beyond your imagination. Just consider it and consider how often the benefits of taking a risk and trying something new and scary outweigh any negative consequences. Just a year ago, the idea of public speaking made me physically ill; now I’ve got at least five talks scheduled for next Fall and I’m actually looking forward to them. Insane!

So just for a minute, consider the idea that you can do all those things you’re afraid of doing. Consider that you may not be the person you think you are.

By the way, you can see my presentation slides from VLA here.

37 Comments

  1. Happy early birthday Meredith! I turn 30 in 3 weeks and I feel exactly the same way about a lot of my life. It is amazing how we can talk ourselves out of doing and experiencing different things. Kudos to you for making the change and coming to a positive self-realization!

  2. Julia

    Meredith, I just discovered your blog tonight while doing a four hour shift on the reference desk, with only one question, so I’ve had plenty of time to read all your words.

    You’re right on about so much, and I am starting to think there might be a link between librarianship and positive self-realization. I went through almost exactly what you described (so much it felt like you just wrote my story) and have only in the last year felt that ever present weight lift, and I am closer to 40 than 30!

    I look forward to reading more of your words.

    Oh and by the way, not that you would want to leave the green mountains of VT but you mention something about having play be your job… if you haven’t seen this posting for a NexGen Librarian yet you might find it interest.
    http://www.ala.org/ala/acrlbucket/candrlnews/caropps/february2006/NextGenerationLibrarian.htm

  3. Hi Meredith,

    Lovely post. You are close to my daughter’s age and even if you don’t feel it, still terribly young.

    I expect the library world and perhaps the world in general will be a much better place for your having contributed to it.

    Keep up the writing and speaking and worrying. I want to hear you keynote at a conference one day.

    Doug

  4. All I can say is “Thank you,” and I’m getting there.

    Happy Birthday!

  5. Meredith, you rock. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Congratulations on all your accomplishments (and 30, when you do get there, isn’t so bad–it’s been great for me), and, as others have said, thanks.

  6. Meredith, as a “virtual friend” I have to tell you that the profession would not be the same without you and you are a blessing. Your honesty is one of the things that I love about you. You remind me that we, though green and young, have many, many things to contribute.

  7. I will probably be following up on this post on CavLec, but here I want to say Good for you! and Never doubted you for a moment! and Gosh, I’m glad you’re a librarian!

    (And 30 is a good time. I say this being about a month away from turning 34.)

  8. Hey nice post, I would never have guessed you were a sullen 13 year old, just like I think a lot of people didn’t know that I used to be a sulllen withdrawn kid who still thinks of herself as “shy” I often say that if you want to know a lot about someone, pay special attention to the stories they tell about themselves, and compare that to what you know, or think you know, about them.

    I’m glad your talk went well. It’s really really well put together with a lot of great links. Congratulations.

  9. Thanks for sharing such personal insights. I can completely relate. I just recently decided to go to library school after putting it off for way too long. Not sure how much of it was due to fear or laziness, but fear and I have worked in and around libraries most of my life. Ever since I began working in an office job (at least it is library related) after college, life has not been the same. I miss the books. I miss the stacks. I miss pulling articles of every science known to man. I miss assisting patrons. Reading your post only further fuels my fire to return home to the library. Thanks again for such an empowering post. I look forward to reading more of your fine words.

  10. A friend and I were just talking tonight about women supporting women and how it all starts with honesty about where we came from. I am so glad you have found your voice. I found mine after years of writing letters I never sent, poetry I dared not share and stories with no endings. My need for drama gave me the tools to write but my voice came when I found out how powerful words can be to help, inform and motivate. I haven’t stopped since… it sounds like you won’t either! Cheers! -Nancy

  11. Yes. Yes. And also, yes.

    By the by, my 30s have so far been much, much better than my 20s ever were. And I wasn’t as on track at 29 as you seem to be. So, I think your 30s will candy and lemonade.

  12. Meredith, you are truly an inspiration. The quality, variety, and sheer quantity of your work is all astounding. Thanks for showing us how we can all get there just by believing in ourselves, even when that sounds scary.

  13. I will be 27 next tuesday, so it looks as if we have the same birthday only a few years seperated. I am also quite terrified of public speaking — so much so that it’s becoming a crutch. And I’ll also admit to being brilliantly skilled at minimalizing my own talents.

    This post is both inspired and inspirational. And, considering we share a birthday and a passion for libraries, I feel somehow personally inspired. 😉

    Happy birthday and thank you!

  14. Eileen

    Thank you for writing this post!

    I’m always thinking about how different my depressed, social-phobic teenage self would have been if there had been the Internet, and blogs, and a forum in which to figure out who I really was, and maybe to find a community of like-minds. But it was a different world then (I’m facing the big 4-0 now, gasp!)

    Librarianship has also given me a route out of so many of the fears and insecurities I once had. I can relate.

    Thanks for putting it so elegantly.

  15. Joy

    Yay, Meredith! When I read your demonstration post yesterday, I thought “Gee, it sounds like she’s having fun–I hope that’s true!” And it was! I’m so glad.

    I can relate, too. I didn’t discover that librarianship was my field until I was 40. But I keep reminding myself that all that previous angst, and the failures (large and small), contributed to making me what I am–a good librarian.

  16. Karen

    Thanks for writing this, Meredith. I remember that feeling of being unhappy with my job and thinking maybe I was just a dissatisfied person. I was looking for a new job when you were and, as a lurking blog-reader, I felt reassured that you were having trouble too. (Maybe the problem isn’t me!) I really appreciate that you, instead of just enjoying your current happiness (although I hope you’re doing that, too!), you are turning around and trying to encourage other people as well.

  17. Lori

    Meredith,

    I related so much to what you said–which is the signature of a great author. I have had some similar thoughts and feelings about “the story of my life”, as well and the messages that I have played over and over again in my mind.

    I’m going to share you post with librarians–and non-librarians–alike because it rings so true and is so helpful.

    Keep up the wonderful work…I look forward to reading more.

  18. Stephen

    Meredith:

    We’ve shared the same experiences. Been there and done that. Keep on rockin. The profession needs what you’ll become.

    Stephen

  19. Meredith,

    You seem to have stuck a chord with your readers. I would not have thought that a blog written by a librarian would have been in my “must read” folder in my feed reader, but you have defied my notion of the genre as much as you have apparently defied your own preconcieved notions of who you are!

    Continue to write so lucidly about the art of living and the beauty of the act of setting information free…And will continue to continue to be enthralled, malleable and loyal. I promise.

    Doug Geiger

  20. Meredith:
    You certainly did not look ‘shaky and sweaty and terrified’ during your talk at CIL. You looked and sounded confident in your knowledge, and impressed a helluva lot of folks with your ability to answer difficult questions coherently and cogently.

    I look forward to watching you grow, and stretch, and influence others through your writing and presenting skills. And I’m sending my (older than you) daughter a copy of your wonderful essay, to help her think about who she really wants to be!

    Keep Moving & Shaking, kiddo: you are what this profession desperately needs!

  21. Mary Ghikas

    Congratulations — and don’t ever, ever let anyone tell you you aren’t an extraordinary person. I hope we’ll have a chance to meet some day. In the meantime, I’ll continue to watch for your amazing blog posts.

  22. Well done for achieving your dream before 30! I can relate to a lot of what you said. I had a list of what I wanted to do by the time I reached that age too but unfortunately it didn’t happen. Probably my own fault for letting all my fears and depression get in the way. Anyway, I turn 40 this year (I hate to admit that) and I wanted to be a published author by now but I’m not (unless you count self-publishing). However, I believe I’ll get there soon because I’m not that teen or twenty-something lacking confidence anymore.

  23. Thanks, Meredith, for sharing such a nice, insightful post. I kind of wished the post wouldn’t end – it was quite engaging.

    Your advice can apply to anyone in any professional field. Sometimes we take a strange comfort in the old story, the old habits, the old ways, never realizing or believing that there is better waiting for us out there, if only we take a risk.

    We need to ask ouselves: Am I really the person who I think I am?

    Perhaps we are much, much more.

  24. Kim

    Meredith,

    I’m a non-librarian lurker on your site, but had to say how much your post rings true for me. I, too, contrary to all experiences to the contrary, thought I was useless throughout childhood and into my college years. You’re right to see that it’s the stories we tell ourselves — and often the stories that other people, explicitly or implicitly, have been telling us — that make it impossible to take the positive experiences seriously. And like you, my life turned around because I met and married a wonderful guy who has boundless unconditional love he’s willing to share with me (and with the whole world!). He also got me interested in something that turned out to be my career, my passion, and my calling. Theology: who’d have thought? Just a few weeks ago I walked into my Ph.D. candidacy orals excited, not terrified, and I walked out knowing I had blown the committee away. It’s thrilling even in retrospect, and I feel like I’ll never suffer from self-doubt again. Of course, I will, but knowing it’s something I’ll get past — again — makes all the difference in the world. Thanks for your post and your honesty.

    Kim

  25. What a brave and generous thing to write. Many of us are impressed, Meredith, with the bredth and depth of your knowledge, and your ability to share that knowledge with so many people. You are certainly one of the stars who gives off more light than heat, and you should be proud of that.

    Happy birthday.

  26. Wow Meredith!
    I was yet another crippled person who had finally achieved the beginnings of a self-esteem when I embarked on my MLS at age 28. I too have a partner who thinks I’m everything I never thought I was. It does help to have supportive people in your life. I never thought of librarianship and self realization being connected…it’s an interesting thought above.
    Anyway, I’m on the verge of another crossroads where I’m branching out. It is terrifying and exilerating at the same time! So, I think (and hope) these moments don’t stop!
    Keep writing Meredith — this post was courageous in that this is a primarily professionally focused blog. In a way that lends more credibility to your personal expressions.

  27. I would have sworn I already commented, but:

    A wonderful post that speaks to a lot of us (obviously!), certainly me included. Thanks for sharing–and, of course, thanks for the thoughtful commentaries and work you continue to provide.

    30. Whew. I’m afraid I still remember a “surprise party” my colleagues set up on that fateful day–with black crepe over my desk, etc. I was thoroughly depressed by the end of the day; funny for 5 minutes, not for 8 hours. But things have gotten a lot better since, including eventually overcoming a little of the early self-doubt. Not all, but a little.

    I would say “keep writing” but I don’t believe you need that; what I will say is, assume that we’ll keep reading and appreciating.

  28. Happy Birthday!

    Obviously I only know you through your blog, but I never would have guessed any of that about you. You come across as totally self-possessed, confident and intelligent. I think we all go through our own version of the things you describe from high school and college. I look back now and sometimes I think that I’m a completely different person, but when I look more closely I see that the possibilities for who I am now were there all along. It just took some perspective — the kind that you can only get with growing up and getting out in the world.

    I also recently discovered that I can talk in front of large groups of people without getting so nervous I feel like I’m shaking. And, I actually enjoy it! Go figure. 🙂 And I also came to library school without having ever worked in a library . . . and it was the best decision I’ve made yet!

    Anyway, rock on with your bad self. 🙂 I can’t wait to see your book.

  29. Thanks for posting this, Meredith. You do have so much to say, and I admire you for jumping in and doing it!

    I think also that a lot of us have these negative self-images and stories, and part of what lets us move out of our preconceived notions of ourselves is to find a place where we truly fit — librarianship being that place for you. I know I’m a different and more confident person at, say, a library conference than at a non-library social or networking event.

  30. Meredith, 30 and more years of bossa nova for you!
    Happy late birthday!

  31. I celebrate your birthday and wish you many more. I couldn’t wait to turn 30, I enjoyed turning 40, and even as I begin to feel the effects of aging, I’m looking forward to 50.

    Part of my joy in turning 30 was the sense that I was getting past the rigid boxes of life people try to squeeze us in. You might enjoy The Great Divorce, by C.S. Lewis (a nice short read, btw). It’s a religious book in part, but you can set aside that theme and focus on what it’s really about: the baggage we drag with us.

  32. Roxanne Rissanen

    It has taken me 40 years to get where you are now Meredith. It is such a wonderful feeling, even with the long wait. Take care and keep sharing with the rest of us. We are all benefitting from it.

    Thanks

  33. GO FOR IT Leslie! More power to you. It’s much more depressing to want to do something and not because you’re too afraid to do (vicious cycle) it than to give it a try (even if things don’t go perfectly). I spent way too long not doing things because I was afraid to; things I may have been great at if I’d given myself the chance.

    Good luck!

  34. To Get Personal or Not?…

    As a rather introverted person, I often share very little of my personality with those people who I do not know well. This isn’t necessarily intended – I’m simply tend to be very quiet. I don’t often talk to people unless they talk to…

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